Posts Tagged ‘Family Differences’

Relationships with Adult Children

Monday, June 8th, 2009

It seems that just as you become an expert ‘baby’ Mom, that baby turns into a toddler! Then…..you turn your back and poof!  TEENAGER!  If you survive that, and you will, you turn around and your children are grown with families of their own.  Relationships with your adult children can be the most challenging of all – yet, the most rewarding.  Your children suddenly realize that you are NOT perfect and that you don’t have all of the answers (if they haven’t already figured that out).  To complicate matters and without much discussion, they marry complete strangers that you they expect you to welcome and love with open arms – no matter what!

How do you keep communication open, even during difficult times?   Remember the old adage, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?”  These are golden words of wisdom that will save you from wounding those you love – especially when it comes to your adult children and their spouses.  Follow that up with complete acceptance and love without judgement.  When difficult things happen, refuse to get upset or become offended.   Yes, it will be difficult.  And, it will take practice and time, but it works!  It allows you to step back from any situation and evaluate it with less emotion and more objectivity.

Moms MUST Stick Together!

Saturday, June 6th, 2009

My son had a friend spend the night last Friday – they are both 12 years old.  They had a GREAT time sleeping out under the stars on the trampoline!  I did my best to be non-intrusive, yet watchful… needless to say, no one slept very well.  In the morning as they were sitting at the table, I overheard my son’s friend talking about how he was grounded for life!  I couldn’t help wondering that if that were true, why was he at my house?  I was quiet as long as I could, but felt I needed to ask why?  He proceeded to tell me that he had taken his mother’s credit card and charged $40.00 on it on some internet game without her permission!  He looked at me with his beautiful big brown eyes and told me that he had asked her first, but she had told him no.   I asked him why he had been allowed to spend the night?  He confidently replied that his mom never followed through with punishments, no matter what he did!  

I had a choice at that moment, ignore the situation and let the boys carry on……or, I could choose to support his mother, possibly alienate my son for a day or two, and sit down for as long as it would take to discuss the situation with him in terms of right and wrong and send him home.   I looked up across the table at my son.  He was watching my every move and listening to my every word.  I knew right then I did not have a choice.  This would be a very big family value training moment!!  I swallowed, put my arm around my son’s friend and began…

When it comes to your children’s friends, remember there are Moms at their homes wondering the same things you are and dealing with the same problems you are!  If you are brave enough to stand firm for your core values NO MATTER WHAT, soon you will have those friends trained, you will gain life long friends in their mothers as you navigate these years supporting each other and you will also have their respect.  More importantly your children will naturally begin to live those values because it is just expected…..it’s natural and a part of their everyday life because it is a part of your everyday life.

Teaching and training your children morals and values is accomplished best during the everyday, all day long little moments as you live them.  Supporting the moms and dads of your children’s friends to the extent that support enforces your values will only add to your happiness and the happiness of your children.

Mom of Pre-teen Jitters….YIKES!

Friday, June 5th, 2009

Parenting a Pre-teenTake a deep breath, find a baby picture of your pre-teen and let yourself drift back in time to when your pre-teen was a baby!  Remember all those warm, fuzzy moments that made you fall madly in love with that child.  Forget what’s happening right now…..for the moment.   

Now, close your eyes and remember yourself at that pre-teen age when everything was a crisis, right down to what outfit you would wear for the day, or who was saying what about whom and why?  Open your eyes.  How old are you now?  You made it through it.  Some of it was painful, some of it was crazy, but most of all you made it through all of it!  

So, how do you minimize the pain and hurt of the pre-teen years for your child?Stay CALM!  Whatever is happening that is disrupting a peaceful relationship with your pre-teen will work itself out one way or the other.  Your only choice?  To be calm, be a listener first and foremost and show an excessive amount of love – no matter how angry you may or may not be at them.  In fact, the more angry you are, the more important it is to show that love. 

I am NOT saying that whatever is going on might require stern punishment or major disappointment for everyone involved.  But, you ARE in control of that outcome when it comes to whether your pre-teen feels that they were loved and supported through it or not.   

AND THAT is the ONLY thing that will matter now and over time… 

Celebrate Your Family’s Distinguished Nose

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

Life has been especially crazy for me over the last couple of months. My family is growing, and with that inevitably comes growing pains. Relationships grow and stretch to new heights and interesting dynamics. New members of the family are always coming in, whether that is a welcomed friend or a wonderful new life. It never ceases to amaze me the extent to which human compassion, if cultivated, has the ability to expand and grow into true love for anyone it touches. 

What a wonderful system to be a part of on this planet!  Everyone belongs to a unit of people, their family, who are biologically programed to look like, act like, and in some cases even think alike. Families are so fantastically designed to help us care for one another in a way that can never be matched by any other sports team, school club, or organization we decide to become a member of.  Differences within the family are inevitable.  But, the similarities of those within members of the same family are spectacular strengths that should be celebrated.  Everyone of us at certain times in our lives will reach for those familiar family strengths to get us through something!

So celebrate them today! Celebrate your distinguished noses, stubbornness, or incorrigible whit. Too often we spend valuable time together picking each other apart – or dissecting the one who is not there.   Even as a parent we tend to focus on the differences with endless stories of, “when I was in school….”, or “that’s not how I used to do it.”  Truth is, we are all individuals, with certain particular similarities either in character or physical likeness.   Ultimately, however, it will be your spiritual belief system that will forever bind you together as a family, or tear you apart.  Do you know what your family believes as a whole?  Morals and values.  What do yours look like and can you define them.  Let your moral fiber be what weaves all the colors of your family together like a beautiful tapestry. 

Teach your children what you believe about science, love, and religion. If done correctly, you will be amazed at how quickly they respond to and feel about the same things you do.  As human beings with similar interests, physical structures, and demeanor you are destined to face similar challenges and successes. You are the only one that can really come close to understanding – even when your child may not think so. So celebrate the wonderful unit we call a family by teaching your children about all of the wonderful things you have in common – but most important, teach them your value system.  Don’t leave it up to their friends, their school teachers, television, video games or the internet!

Banish the Silent Treatment

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

Don’t expect your family to “just know.”  Nine times out of ten we have no idea we have offended someone. If you are upset, let your family know and tell them why. This will give you closure, and help them realize what they can do better.  Communication is critical!  Learn to be open and honest with your family even when you are angry!  This makes the moments of peace and happiness that much more enjoyable.  This creates an atmosphere in your home that will feel safe for everyone not only physically, but most importantly, emotionally.

Don’t Expect More Than People Can Give

Friday, May 15th, 2009

 Generally speaking, no one is going to truly understand that you have had a bad day at work, home or where ever it is you’ve been.  And, it is unrealistic for you to expect them to.  Sometimes the most peace you will feel is learning what you can expect and what you can not expect out of people – especially your own family.  Expecting too much from people – especially family members, will always lead to hurt feelings and tremendous disappointment.